Sometimes with Indian wedding planning, all you hear from brides is how much drama there is with wedding planning. One parent doesn’t want chicken at the reception and another parent wants the groom to wear a turban (even though he doesn’t want to).
Or, your parents might be on board with your decisions, but it could be your mom’s friend’s sister who’s buzzing in your mom’s ear about how it’s bad luck if the bride doesn’t fast before the wedding, so now she wants you to fast. [I’m making that up, but just as an example… don’t freak out if you aren’t planning to fast – I didn’t :0]
Some of it sounds minor, but then there are 10 minor things that you can’t agree upon, and then that becomes one major problem! It’s definitely a challenge to stay on top of wedding planning and manage any drama along the way, but you can manage— there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, there really is!
The reality is that Indian wedding planning will create some family tension, minor or not. There will be some disagreement on decisions. It’ll happen whether you like it or not. Everyone has a different opinion, everyone feels
Everyone has a different opinion, everyone feels strongly about one thing or another, and bottom line is that it’s hard for any person in the world to compromise. You have no idea if your MIL (mother-in-law) always had something in mind for her son’s wedding and how strongly she feels about it. Yes, she may express that she feels
Yes, she may express that she feels strongly about everything (and might not actually care), but that’s what you need to figure out. She may not express anything to you until mid-way through wedding planning. “Oh and by the way…. can we do an engagement ceremony at the sangeet?”
Don’t worry, stuff happens but you’ll work it out – if you have a plan going into your wedding planning, you can alleviate much of these tensions and be on your merry way with your wedding planning.There may still be things that one person or another feels strongly about, and that’ll come down to who is willing to compromise on what.
Now onto the plan…
When your families meet for the first time to discuss the wedding, make it a point to come prepared with an agenda of what to discuss. Literally, line item by line item. Manage the conversation so it doesn’t digress into talking about anything and everything related to what your mother-in-law wants.
It’s important to find out what your soon-to-be-in-laws are thinking, but make sure you steer the conversation in a structured way. This conversation has some potential to be one of the first times where tensions arise. People start talking freely about ideas and what would be nice, but if there’s no structured conversation, there’s no getting things done.
When you create your agenda, jot down questions [to both set of parents] like:
- Will it be a traditional Indian wedding? What are the family traditions and are there traditions we have to follow and unwilling to forfeit?
- Are there religious traditions that they don’t mind skipping?
- Will there be meat at the reception and if yes, what type, how many?
- What events will we have? Sangeet or Raas/Garba or just a Mehndi night (and then a Ceremony & Reception)
- Will there be a meal after the wedding ceremony? (Or if timing is in the afternoon, what type of food will it be?)
- What is important to you the most? (ex: That we have certain types of food, or that the groom enters the ceremony with the bride’s parents?)
These are just a few questions to get your started. You know your family the best, so think about what might be important to them. You don’t want anyone to be caught off guard, and depending on the topic, it might be better to discuss it with only your fiancée first, and then bring in the parents.
Definitely discuss smaller things with your fiancée first, like how you want to enter the reception, or if you want to see each other before the wedding ceremony.
Once you’ve discussed the list with your parents, you can see how they gauge on the scale. What do they not care about and what do they really care about? It could be a surprise, so be prepared.
I found that my parents were adamant about some parts of the wedding (having a full Indian lunch after the wedding) and didn’t care about other parts (like if we had a signature cocktail menu and how we had family entering the ceremony).
The best thing to do in any situation is not to react (or overreact for that matter). Parents will say things you don’t agree with. Let them say it. Just because your mother-in-law says she likes a mandap with water passages on the side of the aisle, don’t mean you actually have to do that. Take a step back and figure out the solution with your fiancee first.
Just because your mother-in-law says she likes a mandap with water passages on the side of the aisle, don’t mean you actually have to do that. Take a step back and figure out the solution with your fiancee first.
There’s always a solution and there’s always a compromise. It’s a challenge with our generation but do your best to get to that solution. At the end of the day, everyone wants the wedding couple to be happy, but you, as the bride (and the groom), should keep in mind that with Indian weddings it’s also about everyone in the family being happy – so keep your parents in mind too!
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